MUTTERINGS #16: WHAT DOES 10 YEARS OF E-DU-MA-CA-TION GET YOU?

The following questions are reputed to be set in last year’s General Educational Development or GED examinations (for American and Canadian High School students). Students must receive a score of 60 per cent and above to pass the GED which then certifies that the students have achieved the American or Canadian high school-level academic skills.

These are (supposedly) the answers from the 16 year olds taking the exams. Yes, feel worried, very worried. This could be the next President of the United States of America (and we all know that this is possible – George “Double-U” Bush is living proof of that!!!).

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Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

(Does this mean one would have to strip to buy a house?)

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

(Oh my…In most democratic countries, this happens only once every four years! Not good news for population growth.)

Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs?

(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

(At least it gives you the chance to travel!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A. Premature death.

(I like this one)

Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

(Isn’t this what happens to the sheep in New Zealand?)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow!

(Duh….what a stupid question!)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U.

(WTF????)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie.

(Chuckle)

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby.

(LOL)

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.

(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

(Brilliant!)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

(Ohhhh….must be cool up there….)